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shadesofb
Mar. 19th, 2007
01:10 am
I said I could sink into the soft earth right now and hide for 100 years
and my heart is too big
it can feel like the ocean sounds
This heart needs to sink itself into the ground
dirt ground
Mar. 5th, 2007
11:53 am - The First after Five
He left ten minutes ago. And I'm uncomfortably lonely again. I haven't been sleeping much these past few weeks. Sleepless and Hungry. Alone. With manic thoughts that pace through my mind, I can lose myself again. Again. They say I'm here to find myself in solitute. I slip down along side the refridgerator door to the cold hard floor, where a strand of his black hair lies. If I could smell it I would. My face tells my knees the truth and does not feel ashamed as before. Nor should it.
Tell me something. What type of person does it take to listen to the darkness of anothers soul? No. Don't tell me. I know. I know. The vulnerable thrashing that wrenches ones heart to desperation and emergency. I have an overwhelming sense to tell you. Hmmm. Will I. Will you want to hear what I have to say. If I do, will you show me only your cheek. Or maybe the emptiest of stares that drowned and swell me with hurt.
He left 10 minutes ago. A kiss still stuck to my lips. Memory foam. My memory of spit. Where am I falling and what is this that I need. His cocky jokes play in my mind. A bit self centered, yes, which put some fear in my throat. Who isn't self centered? A mystery this is. A mystery I have allowed him to linger around my mouth and palms. I sensed my sensitivity could make him uncomfortable.
So I look for something in him that would push me to tell him. I only hear faded hope in his voice now. Over the phone now. Over the phone.
And I like him. Maybe to much!
I held his hand at 5:30 a.m on Wednesday.
Glances. Palms. Fingers. Lips. He held my hand. Maybe to much. I wanted to crawl around his skin. I found I can be overly stimulated. It is intense and it is intensity pleasure ridden tears I hide from you.
I want to understand him. What does he feel? So badly I want to flicker in his mind. Yes, I want him to want me, to feel overly for me.
Maybe he turns me on. Maybe he intimidates me. Maybe he inspires me. He told me I bring out a better person in him. But you know, this could only destroy art. Happiness. Destroys art. That's what he said. So it is true. Fucking true. Maybe I see myself in him. Maybe I want him inside me. To strip away my soul. Maybe he's my saviour. Maybe he will teach me - to be more careful next time.